The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done (sorry for the vent...)

I've faced a lot of challenges in my life, and have often come through really strong. But the other times that I have ever felt this stressed, frustrated, and powerless -- the answer has been, "Let go and move on." And I've become pretty good at doing that, I think. But the problem is, right now I can't just let go and move on from teaching. I am in a contract. I thought it was what I wanted to do with my life, but now I'm looking forward with dread at the two thirds of a school year that I committed to teach.

I went into work today, a Saturday, and put in about six hours. I had grading to do, lesson plans to write, parents to call, behavioral situations to document, etc. And I didn't even come close to finishing it all. Oh, and my average workday was about 10 hours long this week.

So, yeah, it's a lot of work, but that's not what breaks me. There are pretty much two things.

I spent most of the time today either grading, putting grades in my grade book, or putting grades in the computer. And this is basically the most depressing thing I get to do at school. It's my reminder that no matter how easy I make things, tons of kids fail. It shows me that they don't care and I that I am useless at motivating them. I gave a project that was really easy, and I weighted the grade heavily so that the kids could raise their failing grades. But half of them just didn't do it (and I gave them several opportunities to do so, and spent time with each of the 185 of them individually going over the project). So though a few of the failing grades were lifted high, I now have more students failing than ever. -- And a passing grade does not mean they are learning Spanish, it means they have a passing grade. And I am unfortunately quite aware of this fact.

So yeah, it's really hard for me not to equate my students' failures with my own personal failure to teach.

So, that is enough to bring tears to my eyes. But nothing hurts like the issues I'm having with classroom management. I feel helpless. I've called home and caught parents when they pick up their kids, I've given countless detentions. I've tried reward systems, and spending one on one time with the kids. I've tried to have helpers. I've read a book on classroom management. I tried to give the kids very clear expectations and options, and positive feedback. And I feel spent. After 12 weeks of documentations, detentions, parent conferences, and several reward systems... I started calling parents today - for the millionth time - to ask for their support. I called about three parents and stopped. I just couldn't do anymore. Emotionally.

This has brought the worst out in me. I've yelled and I've belittled. I admit it. I've called parents out of spite. I've lowered myself to the level of the students. And I'm not proud of it. I'm glad my friends don't see me in the classroom every day. But I wouldn't blame most of my kids for hating me, for a number of reasons.

And I feel like it's making me into someone I don't want to be, inside the classroom and also outside of the classroom. I am not a very good liar, I've always been pretty transparent. So when people ask how school is going, I have trouble saying, "Oh it's wonderful!" Instead, I say, unconvincingly at best, "It's tough, but that's just the way the first year is." And on an honest day I say, "I feel incompetent. I feel spent. I don't know what I am doing and I am disillusioned and frustrated. I want to quit."

I'm not the life of the party, to say the least. You don't want to hang out with me too often, it'll bring you down. For me, teaching is a pain that doesn't go away. I told someone that it feels like heartbreak, really similar, and it's always aching in the back of my heart, even if on the outside I am happy. But I can't shake it. It's a slow suffering.

So, I just want out. Maybe I am a quitter. Maybe I am unable to follow through with commitments. Maybe I'm a change addict. Maybe I am a dreamer and not a doer.

And I realize that I probably have one of the hardest teaching situations that exists. Inner city middle school. What was I thinking? I wanted to be one of those movie teachers I guess, even though I said that I knew it wasn't really like that. So I know that this school would be hard for even some experienced teachers, but that doesn't stop me from really hoping the recession really ends and I can find an 8-5 job for a charismatic, intelligent, bi-lingual young college graduate.

I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to show these kids that they could learn languages and it can be fun. I wanted to impact their lives. I wanted to open doors of cultural understanding in their minds. I wanted to inspire them and be support for them. But that vision is almost non-existent in my head now.

Yeah, so sorry again for venting. But it's been a while since I've unloaded on the internet. And there's something therapeutic about writing it all down and letting it out for the several random people in the world who come and read my page.

Another long overdue update...

(Note: This is from October of 2009)

So, I've gone another few months without posting on here. Life really does fly by.

So I am going to try to be brief.

I moved one last time from Acassuso to Belgrano. I am living in a really big house with a terrace and patio and I really like it. I have 5 roommates from different countries.

I have spent the last few months working on applying to be a part of the cabin crew of Emirates airline. I had my first interview at the beginning of December and I just had my final interview this past week. The first day was a group interview, and out of 71 they chose me and 10 others to have individual interviews in the following days. After the individual interviews, they told us that it could be up to six weeks before we hear back from them. They also told me that it if I got the job, they would fly me from NYC to Dubai. So, that means I am heading back to Atlanta.

I'll leave Buenos Aires on March 25, to go to Perú. I'm working on figuring out of I can afford to go to Machu Picchu. Actually, better said, I know that I can't afford to go there but I am trying to figure out the way to go and make the least amount of damage to my financial situation. Going to Perú before the US is saving me about $300 or so, and after Machu Picchu I may come out even. I will be arriving in Atlanta at the beginning of April.

I haven't been feeling the effects of the financial crisis much, but now I am starting to. Schools aren't hiring in the US. And right now it's hard for substitute teachers to find work, 'cause everyone wants to work. I am hoping I can find some hours. If Emirates hires me, I'll be fine financially. If not, I'll be scraping by through the summer and hoping to find a teaching job somewhere in the world for the following August. May even go to Korea. In Atlanta, it looks like schools are on a hiring freeze. They are firing not hiring.

So, I have had an amazing experience here in BA. I have made lots of friends that I will definitely be keeping in touch with. Right now, I am hoping that I'll be in the ATL for a couple of weeks and then off to Dubai. But we'll see how that goes. Emirates may stop hiring if things don't change in the global economic situation.

Well, this is Matthew Stephen "Teo" Valdés... signing out.