I've faced a lot of challenges in my life, and have often come through really strong. But the other times that I have ever felt this stressed, frustrated, and powerless -- the answer has been, "Let go and move on." And I've become pretty good at doing that, I think. But the problem is, right now I can't just let go and move on from teaching. I am in a contract. I thought it was what I wanted to do with my life, but now I'm looking forward with dread at the two thirds of a school year that I committed to teach.
I went into work today, a Saturday, and put in about six hours. I had grading to do, lesson plans to write, parents to call, behavioral situations to document, etc. And I didn't even come close to finishing it all. Oh, and my average workday was about 10 hours long this week.
So, yeah, it's a lot of work, but that's not what breaks me. There are pretty much two things.
I spent most of the time today either grading, putting grades in my grade book, or putting grades in the computer. And this is basically the most depressing thing I get to do at school. It's my reminder that no matter how easy I make things, tons of kids fail. It shows me that they don't care and I that I am useless at motivating them. I gave a project that was really easy, and I weighted the grade heavily so that the kids could raise their failing grades. But half of them just didn't do it (and I gave them several opportunities to do so, and spent time with each of the 185 of them individually going over the project). So though a few of the failing grades were lifted high, I now have more students failing than ever. -- And a passing grade does not mean they are learning Spanish, it means they have a passing grade. And I am unfortunately quite aware of this fact.
So yeah, it's really hard for me not to equate my students' failures with my own personal failure to teach.
So, that is enough to bring tears to my eyes. But nothing hurts like the issues I'm having with classroom management. I feel helpless. I've called home and caught parents when they pick up their kids, I've given countless detentions. I've tried reward systems, and spending one on one time with the kids. I've tried to have helpers. I've read a book on classroom management. I tried to give the kids very clear expectations and options, and positive feedback. And I feel spent. After 12 weeks of documentations, detentions, parent conferences, and several reward systems... I started calling parents today - for the millionth time - to ask for their support. I called about three parents and stopped. I just couldn't do anymore. Emotionally.
This has brought the worst out in me. I've yelled and I've belittled. I admit it. I've called parents out of spite. I've lowered myself to the level of the students. And I'm not proud of it. I'm glad my friends don't see me in the classroom every day. But I wouldn't blame most of my kids for hating me, for a number of reasons.
And I feel like it's making me into someone I don't want to be, inside the classroom and also outside of the classroom. I am not a very good liar, I've always been pretty transparent. So when people ask how school is going, I have trouble saying, "Oh it's wonderful!" Instead, I say, unconvincingly at best, "It's tough, but that's just the way the first year is." And on an honest day I say, "I feel incompetent. I feel spent. I don't know what I am doing and I am disillusioned and frustrated. I want to quit."
I'm not the life of the party, to say the least. You don't want to hang out with me too often, it'll bring you down. For me, teaching is a pain that doesn't go away. I told someone that it feels like heartbreak, really similar, and it's always aching in the back of my heart, even if on the outside I am happy. But I can't shake it. It's a slow suffering.
So, I just want out. Maybe I am a quitter. Maybe I am unable to follow through with commitments. Maybe I'm a change addict. Maybe I am a dreamer and not a doer.
And I realize that I probably have one of the hardest teaching situations that exists. Inner city middle school. What was I thinking? I wanted to be one of those movie teachers I guess, even though I said that I knew it wasn't really like that. So I know that this school would be hard for even some experienced teachers, but that doesn't stop me from really hoping the recession really ends and I can find an 8-5 job for a charismatic, intelligent, bi-lingual young college graduate.
I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to show these kids that they could learn languages and it can be fun. I wanted to impact their lives. I wanted to open doors of cultural understanding in their minds. I wanted to inspire them and be support for them. But that vision is almost non-existent in my head now.
Yeah, so sorry again for venting. But it's been a while since I've unloaded on the internet. And there's something therapeutic about writing it all down and letting it out for the several random people in the world who come and read my page.
